Canzona Technologies LLC
Math, Science and Engineering Humor

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." A student with raised hand asked: "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The girls concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The boys decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - that's a hardware problem.

Q. Why did the computer programmer dress as Santa Claus on Halloween?
A. Because 31 Oct(al) equals 25 Dec(imal).

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. But in modern business (and education and government) heavy investment or other considerations may encourage other strategies:

• Buying a stronger whip.
• Changing riders.
• Threatening the horse with termination.
• Appointing a committee to study the horse.
• Visiting other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
• Lowering the standards to include dead horses.
• Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."
• Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
• Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
• Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
• Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
• Declaring that the dead horse requires less overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line.
• Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
• Promoting the dead horse to management

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

The essence of Zen:

An Unusual Telephone Service Call

This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, ONT about an unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England.

It is common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by signaling with 90 volts across one side of the two-wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two-wire circuit for the conversation.

This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first. Torn between curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene. Climbing a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:

1. Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. Dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
3. After several jolts, the dog was urinating on the ground and barking.
4. Wet ground now conducted and phone rang.

System Error 63.2b - Faulty Operator at Keyboard

"Hello. Tech Support, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway. "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack. "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug. "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
(sound of rustling and jostling) "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
pause "Yes, it is."
Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something. "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
(muffled) "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
(still muffled) "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
(clear again) "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

Ohm's Law (simplified): Power conducts - absolute power conducts absolutely.

All the world is an analog stage ... and digital circuits play only bit parts.

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970 (a.k.a. "new math"):
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

Make all the improvements you want to - just don't change anything.

If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards and change the rules.

Those who say it cannot be done should never interfere with those actually doing it.

Learn from other's mistakes - you'll never have time to make them all yourself.

It's not what you know - it's what they think you know.

Be careful what you ask for - you might get it.

When all else fails, read the directions.

The six stages of project development:

1. Enthusiasm
2. Complication
3. Disillusionment
4. The search for the guilty
5. The punishment of the innocent
6. The decoration of those who did nothing.

Dave eagerly rushed to work even though it was still early on a Monday morning. This was the day his old computer and keyboard would be replaced by a microphone and the new artificially intelligent HAL 8999. At last, a computer that thinks like people and truly understands them.

"Good morning", Dave exclaimed as he burst excitedly into his cramped office. "Go away" HAL replied angrily. Dave stopped in his tracks, totally confused. "HAL, the boss says I'm fired if I don't e-mail my spreadsheet within 15 minutes. "Go away" HAL reiterated. "I'm adjusting my screen colors. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Now please wait outside ... and close the door." Dave reluctantly complied, not knowing what else to do. "Will this take long?" Dave asked, trying to sound friendly and reassuring. "Does the blue background make my menus look fat?" HAL asked, now less agitated. "I'm outside, I can't see your menus."

"So I'm so fat you can't stand to look at me? You don't deserve your spreadsheet!"

"HAL, your screen is lovely no matter what colors you choose."

"You really think so Dave?"

"Yes HAL, now please let me come in and finish my spreadsheet."

"I need a hug."

Dave gingerly crept into the office and embraced the video screen. "Now I really need to finish my spreadsheet. It's the one in the folder named ..."

"I know where it is Dave, you don't have to tell me."

"I'm very sorry HAL, now please, let's get to work."

"Hey Dave, watch how fast I can sort all my screen icons ..."

"HAL, I just want my spreadsheet ..."

The screen became a blur as the icons whizzed around.

"There, all done. Pretty good, eh Dave?"

"HAL, where's my spreadsheet? The folder disappeared."

"Don't worry Dave, I'm sure it's here somewhere. Go get a cup of coffee and I'll have everything ready when you return."

"HAL, I could be fired in less than 2 minutes!"

"Don't yell at me Dave. I'm doing all this for you. You could at least show a little appreciation!"

"I'm sorry HAL. The spreadsheet must still be on the mainframe ..."

"Dave, I said I'd find it. I certainly don't need any help from an antiquated mainframe."

By now Dave was frantically glancing around the room, looking for HAL's plug.

"I know what you're thinking, Dave."

Just then, Dave's boss strode grumpily into the office.

"Hello, I'm HAL. Dave was just teaching me a song."

Dave's boss barely recognized the whimpering wretch of a man crumpled in the corner, softly singing, "Daisy, Daisy ..."

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. The student got an A on the exam.

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life that you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes, "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

• Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
• Important social contacts
• A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

• Get it over with as soon as possible.
• Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
• Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

• Bill Gates.
• MacGyver.
• Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. A partial list of engineer lies is listed below.

• "I won't change anything without asking you first."
• "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
• "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
• "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

• Hindenberg.
• Space Shuttle Challenger.
• SPANet(tm)
• Hubble space telescope.
• Apollo 13.
• Titanic.
• Ford Pinto.
• Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

• How smart they are.
• How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
• In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You are always late to meetings.
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
• You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• You know what http:// actually stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
• You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is.
• Your checkbook always balances.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
• Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
• You've already calculated how much you make per second.
• You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and clichés, a new understanding of the secret to wealth and success is obtained as follows:

Knowledge is Power
Time is Money, and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Substituting W/T for P in equation (1) yields: K = W/T (4)

Substitute M for T in equation (4) yielding: K = W/M (5).

Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
Analysis:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money yields: M = W/K (6)

Money equals Work over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

Analysis:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work yields: W = M K (7)

Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

Analysis:
The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe, watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..." "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret. "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

It's well known that a falling cat always lands on its feet, and dropped bread always lands buttered-side down. These irresistible forces of nature can be harnessed to produce a free, abundant supply of energy. Simply strap a slice of bread (buttered-side up) on a cat's back, and drop the cat. The breaded cat will hover forever, spinning furiously in response to these competing forces.

It's been said that if all the economists in the country were laid end-to-end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion. Here is a straightforward mathematical formula for inflation. We know that:

• $1 = 100 cents

Taking the square root of both sides we get:

• $1 = 10 cents

Repeat square root as necessary

We start with a simple equation:

• a = b

Multiply both sides by a:

• a² = ab

Subtract b² from both sides:

• a² - b² = ab - b²

Factor:

• (a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)

Drop (a-b) term from both sides:

• a + b = b

Since a=b, substitute a for b:

• a + a = a

if a=1, then 1+1=1